TheTuesday XI: All-Star Edition
Planting the Seed of Soccer Across America: Danny Beerseed
By “The Other 87 Minutes / Senior Unemployed English Major Correspondents
In honor of tomorrow's MLS All-Star Game, we bring you perhaps our most star-laden team yet:
GK – Ringo Starr – Sets the rhythm in the back, allowing our creative geniuses to take the credit further forward.
LB – Starman – This alien life form may look like Jeff Bridges, but he can work miracles on the pitch.
SW– Starman – This otherworldly creature blows the minds of friends and foes alike with his defensive abilities, just like David Bowie said.
RB – Starman – The DC hero’s ability to control gravity helps him rise above attackers to make clearances, or bring hard shots suddenly crashing down to earth.
Regista – Bart Starr – This on-field quarterback delivers pinpoint long-range passes right to the feet of our forwards.
LCM – Patrick Star – SpongeBob’s starfish pal makes up for his lack of soccer intelligence – he doesn’t have a brain, after all – with his energy and enthusiasm.
RCM – Mary Katherine Gallagher – After a couple of false starts in the worlds of music and dance, the former Catholic schoolgirl finally found a venue in which she could be a…wait for it…Superstar!
CAM – Clarice Starling – Uses her wits and bravery to pursue chances that might grant her and her team a lead.
LW – Ziggy Stardust – Plays it left-hand, and while he may occasionally take it too far, this special man is still the nazz.
CF – Lone Starr – His career may have faltered when the referees wouldn’t allow him to play with his power ring, but he got back on track once he realized that his Schwartz was inside of him all along.
RW – Star Fox – Does a barrel roll.
What is this new site we're exposing you too? We'll let them explain:
“The Other 87 seeks to provide something that’s not instant analysis or eve of matchday previews. Think of us as the good bits of your favorite soccer coverage: the profiles that examine what makes a certain player tick, the historical background that sheds some light on how the sport has evolved to the present day, the silly features that are more than just tacking names on a list, but considering and explaining why each one deserves to be there.
O87 wants to be a home for soccer writing that makes you think, but that also treats the game as just that, a game. The greatest game, the one we obsess over and fixate on, to the point where we can’t read that gas costs 3.43 a gallon without thinking of Ajax’s 1995 Champions League winning team. But a game nonetheless.
“When you play a match, it is statistically proven that players actually have the ball three minutes on average. The best players – the Zidanes, Ronaldinhos, Gerrards – will have the ball maybe four minutes. Lesser players – defenders – probably two minutes. So, the most important thing is: what do you do those 87 minutes when you do not have the ball…. That is what determines whether you’re a good player or not.” –Johann Cruff
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