The Tuesday XI: Princess Bride Edition
Planting the Seed of Soccer Across America: Danny Beerseed
By “The Other 87 Minutes” / Senior Unemployed English Major Correspondents
If you've been on the Internet at any point in the last month, you probably already know that this year marks the 25th anniversary of The Princess Bride. To mark the occasion, we're joining all the other websites out there that are bowing to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence with our own, Princess Bride-themed XI.
GK – Count Rugen – Deformed hands and a penchant for torture? Sounds like a goalkeeper to me.
SW – Humperdinck – This master tracker will follow the opposition the length and breadth of the field, but prefers to attack the ball with numbers rather than solo.
LCB – Valerie – A late sub for the Grandson, who was scratched due to illness. Her scrappiness and persistence give headaches to even the best attackers.
RCB – R.O.U.S. – He may be a dirty, ugly player, but he's got a mean tackle in him.
CDM – Vizzini – The diminutive Sicilian has a unique understanding of space (“Never get involved in a land war in Asia”) and an unshakable self-confidence that partially makes up for his somewhat ponderous thought process. The idea that he could make a bad decision on the pitch is inconceivable.
LCM – Impressive Clergyman – Weawwy excels in his cawwiwewo wole, whewe he wuns back and fowth to dewivew the baww to ouw fowwawds.
RCM – Buttercup – Gallops up and down the pitch, but occasionally runs into trouble when she goes too far afield and ends up surrounded by the opposition.
CAM – Miracle Max – Delivers unbelievable passes to his forwards, but rarely joins the attack himself, preferring to let others have the fun of storming the castle.
LW – Inigo Montoya – The first third of the most devastating trio of filmic attackers this side of Han, Luke and Chewie. His crossing from the left side isn't a strength, but it's only because he knows something the defenders don't, namely, that he is not left-footed.
CF – Fezzik – It's not his fault being the biggest and the strongest; he doesn't even exercise. Not as good in one-on-one situations, but he can occupy as many as half a dozen defenders while holding the ball up.
RW – Westley – Fast, strong, smart and skilled, can play on either side or through the middle, and keeps going through any injury, even being mostly dead? With a player like this, there's only one thing to say: As you wish.
What is this new site we're exposing you too? We'll let them explain:
“The Other 87 seeks to provide something that’s not instant analysis or eve of matchday previews. Think of us as the good bits of your favorite soccer coverage: the profiles that examine what makes a certain player tick, the historical background that sheds some light on how the sport has evolved to the present day, the silly features that are more than just tacking names on a list, but considering and explaining why each one deserves to be there.
O87 wants to be a home for soccer writing that makes you think, but that also treats the game as just that, a game. The greatest game, the one we obsess over and fixate on, to the point where we can’t read that gas costs 3.43 a gallon without thinking of Ajax’s 1995 Champions League winning team. But a game nonetheless.
“When you play a match, it is statistically proven that players actually have the ball three minutes on average. The best players – the Zidanes, Ronaldinhos, Gerrards – will have the ball maybe four minutes. Lesser players – defenders – probably two minutes. So, the most important thing is: what do you do those 87 minutes when you do not have the ball…. That is what determines whether you’re a good player or not.” –Johann Cruff
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