The Tuesday XI: Mr. and Mrs. Edition
Planting the Seed of Soccer Across America: Danny Beerseed
By “The Other 87 Minutes / Senior Unemployed English Major Correspondents
Summertime means wedding season, and so to commemorate we've brought you a pair of teams representing the Misters and Missuses (and Misses. And Ms.es) your spending all your vacation days to go celebrate with:
GK – Mr. Clean – Keeps the scoreboard spic and span with his tidy performances.
LB – Mr. Bean – Our bumbling left back tends to save goals without knowing much about them.
LCB – Mr. T – Pity the forwards who have to face the pain inflicted by the baddest man in the world.
RCB – Mr. Rogers – May appear to be a more gentle, cerebral type of player than his counterpart, but if you cross him, he’ll cut you down so fast you’ll think you’re in Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood.
RB – Mr. Roboto – Crosses with uncanny, nearly mechanical accuracy. Our forward players make sure to thank him profusely each time he provides them with an assist.
CDM – Mr. Hyde – Normal rules of the game and human decency don’t apply to this brutal hardman in the center of the pitch.
LCM – Mr. Sandman – His rhythmic passing lulls opponents into a false sense of security, allowing him to catch them napping with his sudden forays into the attack.
RCM – Mr. Spock – Carefully and logically choose the correct passing option, and cuts down streaking attackers with the slightest pinch of his hand.
LW – Mr. Wizard – He’s got his position down to a science, constantly inventing chances for himself and others.
RW – Mr. Mxyzptlk – With his god-like powers, Superman’s fifth-dimensional foe could score each time down the pitch, but he much prefers using them to make his opponents look ridiculous.
CF – Mr. Incredible – He may be playing himself back into shape through the course of the season, but his physical power up top complements the brains sitting behind him and on either flank.
And now the ladies:
GK – Mrs. Claus – Holds down the fort at home while the others are off trying to deliver the ball into the back of the net.
LB – Mrs. O’Leary – We signed her to the team before we realized it was her cow that had the barn-burner of a leg.
CB – Miss Piggy – Brings steel and kung fu moves to the center of the defense.
CB – Little Miss Muffet – Grew up to be big and strong thanks to all that curds and whey, and performs admirably on the field as long as she doesn’t run into any spiders.
RB – Ms. Marvel – Reduced to a supporting role on this team too just as in the Marvel Universe, despite the fact that she’s basically Superman-lite.
LCDM – Ms. Jackson – As a midfield enforcer, she is for real, and only rarely has to resort to doing things like having the boys come from her neighborhood to the studio trying to fight the other team.
CDM – Mrs. Doubtfire – “She” provides a physical, if somewhat manic, presence in midfield.
RCDM – Miss America – Comes out of the tunnel like this, every single time:
Trequartista – Mrs. Robinson – Strolls around the grounds feeling completely at home, tempting opposing players with and drawing them to her before helping her teammates help themselves with sumptuous set-up passes.
LCF – Little Miss Sunshine – She may be a little young, and we know she didn’t actually win the contest, but she’s got the moves to put defenders on their asses, or at least laughing them off.
RCF – Miss Manners – Always in the right place at the right time, with the right touches for the right situations to get the ball on goal.
What is this new site we're exposing you too? We'll let them explain:
“The Other 87 seeks to provide something that’s not instant analysis or eve of matchday previews. Think of us as the good bits of your favorite soccer coverage: the profiles that examine what makes a certain player tick, the historical background that sheds some light on how the sport has evolved to the present day, the silly features that are more than just tacking names on a list, but considering and explaining why each one deserves to be there.
O87 wants to be a home for soccer writing that makes you think, but that also treats the game as just that, a game. The greatest game, the one we obsess over and fixate on, to the point where we can’t read that gas costs 3.43 a gallon without thinking of Ajax’s 1995 Champions League winning team. But a game nonetheless.
“When you play a match, it is statistically proven that players actually have the ball three minutes on average. The best players – the Zidanes, Ronaldinhos, Gerrards – will have the ball maybe four minutes. Lesser players – defenders – probably two minutes. So, the most important thing is: what do you do those 87 minutes when you do not have the ball…. That is what determines whether you’re a good player or not.” –Johann Cruff
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