The Tuesday XI: Has-Beens Edition
Planting the Seed of Soccer Across America: Danny Beerseed
By “The Other 87 Minutes” / Senior Unemployed English Major Correspondents
We forgot to run this squad of 80's action heroes last month when the Expendables sequel hit theaters. Luckily, if the movie proves one thing, it’s that it’s never too late to get these has-beens out on the field of play. Here we've lined them up in a suitably old-fashioned W-M formation, just as God and Herbert Chapman intended.
And before you can ask, we didn't forget Indiana Jones. It was just too much awesome for one team at one time.
GK – James Dalton – There’s no one better to protect the net than Patrick Swayze’s Ph.D.-packing bouncer from Road House. Like all goalie’s, he’s equal parts Zen and completely insane.
LCB – Ivan Drago – Sure he’s a towering presence and impossibly strong, but did you know he could do this?
CB – Apollo Creed – The Count of Monte Fisto uses his excellent communication abilities to marshal the two bruisers on either side of him and his superior foot speed to clean up their mistakes.
RCB – Clubber Lang – We’ve got one prediction for opposing forwards facing off against Clubber: Pain.
LDM – John McClane – There’s no one better at single-handedly disrupting the best-laid plans of German terrorist robbers, rogue Marines, or opposing playmakers.
RDM – Frank Dux – Sure he uses the same move over and over both to score goals and make clearances, by who's complaining when it works so well?
LAM – John Rambo – Makes sure this squad’s never outgunned going forward.
RAM – James Tiberius Kirk – Sure he’s a little old, even for this group, but someone has to captain this merry band of lone wolves and I work alone-rs together, and Kirk did good work in the 80s, at least every other game.
LW – Snake Plissken – Depth perception can be a bit of a problem for him, but he specializes in the kinds of stoppage-time scores that make fans’ hearts explode.
CF – Major Alan “Dutch” Schafer – A classic, hulking target forward, Dutch is a natural leader who works to get others involved and has a Predator’s instinct for poaching goals.
RW – “Mad” Max Rockatansky – Outpaces and outmuscles defenders when he does have the ball, but is also a master of the dummy run to draw attention away from the real threat.
What is this new site we're exposing you too? We'll let them explain:
“The Other 87 seeks to provide something that’s not instant analysis or eve of matchday previews. Think of us as the good bits of your favorite soccer coverage: the profiles that examine what makes a certain player tick, the historical background that sheds some light on how the sport has evolved to the present day, the silly features that are more than just tacking names on a list, but considering and explaining why each one deserves to be there.
O87 wants to be a home for soccer writing that makes you think, but that also treats the game as just that, a game. The greatest game, the one we obsess over and fixate on, to the point where we can’t read that gas costs 3.43 a gallon without thinking of Ajax’s 1995 Champions League winning team. But a game nonetheless.
“When you play a match, it is statistically proven that players actually have the ball three minutes on average. The best players – the Zidanes, Ronaldinhos, Gerrards – will have the ball maybe four minutes. Lesser players – defenders – probably two minutes. So, the most important thing is: what do you do those 87 minutes when you do not have the ball…. That is what determines whether you’re a good player or not.” –Johann Cruff
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