Monday, October 31, 2011

John Harkes is… The Commentator

Editor’s Note: With all due respect and a thousand plaudits to “Dirty Tackle” (It’s only fair… they spun off one of our series, too) we present the potentially true life and times of America’s favorite soccer commentator, John Harkes.

A few years back I decided to start my own blog. You know… a little “let’s get inside ol’ Johnny’s head” sorta thing. Share a few ESPN-free thoughts, highlight some music that I’m listening too.. like my buddy Alexi does. Then before I really could get going I ran into a little trouble and had to lay low for awhile. You know… a little “life happens” sorta thing.

Anyways… now that the Eric Wynalda “slander machine” has been dialed down I can get back to writing. It reminds me a lot of back in 2002 when I was playing with the Columbus Crew. I was struggling with injuries so I decided to quit… I mean… retire from soccer. You know a little “when the going gets tough, the tough get going away from the things that are tough” sorta thing.

But I’m back! Like when I came back from not playing to commentate on people who are playing like I was still playing. On Fox Soccer and then ESPN and then my bathroom mirror and then ESPN again. Can’t hold ol’ Harkesy down.

You might be wondering what the deal is with the split photo at the top of the post is all about? Or not. Either way I’m going to tell you. It’s one of the perks of following the ol’ Harkes-inator through this blog. See the thing is I’m just never sure when a soccer game might break out so underneath piece of clothing I wear I’ve got an old jersey on. If I ever loosened my tie on the tee-vee then you might be able to catch a glimpse of it!

You know… a little “Superman” sorta thing.

I figure… hey… this car has some gas left in the tank and why not take the ol’ Harkes-mobile out for a spin every once in awhile. I can’t just be sitting by the ol’ Harkes Bat-Phone waiting for Major League Soccer to have a “Legends” game again. You know… a little “grab the bull by the horns” sorta thing. Only I’m grabbing soccer games by the horns….

I don’t think that metaphor is working…

But, yeah, I’m jumping in games all up and down the Northeast when I’m not on the tee-vee with that jabber-box Ian Darke or hiding from that hit-man that bastard Wynalda set out on me. Weekend warrior pick-up games, co-ed indoor soccer, youth tournaments… you name it, the Harkesy is out there. Playing like a true number six should.

Hey… I gotta wrap this up. I’m not really even supposed to be on a computer right now. I’m at ESPN HQ in Bristol right now and “technically” I’m not allowed on company property “at this moment”, “pending an investigation” into “certain vending machine accusations”.

Until next time…. remember 1989!

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Anonymous said…

You suck John Harkes, please retire and keep it to yourself in the future.

Anonymous said…

This is a joke right?

elliott said…

I'm just sad that Harkes started a blog at a website with beer in it. You should be ashamed and realize that as a role model to lots of young kids you must abide by strict Prohibition era Puritanical norms!

Liz said…

I think the fact that people cant tell that this is a joke is a testament to the sheer ridiculousness that is John Harkes

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"Anyone who tells me soccer is boring, I'm going to punch them in the face."
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