Thursday, April 28, 2011

FBM Black (Lager) Ops: The Royal Wedding

Gather ’round, soldiers!
Thursday, 0600 HRS Central European Time

Good morning ladies and gentlemen. At ease, go grab a beer, and please be seated.

I apologize for the early nature of this briefing, but we have a grave situation at hand. Our man in London has provided us with a copy of last Saturday’s “Mirror”. In the tabloid, it states, and I quote, “Prince William and Kate Middleton have banned guests from drinking beer at their wedding reception.”

(Crowd grumbles and begins to speak to one another)

Soliders. Relax. I know this is a bit of terrible news, but nothing that we are not fully prepared to handle. These are the exact sort of situations that we’ve been training for. Remember our motto “Wherever there’s no beer, we’re here.”

The facts are clear. As of 0600 HRS, the time right now, there are no plans for beer to be served at the Royal Wedding for Kate Middleton and Prince William. As members of the elite Free Beer Movement Black (Lager) Ops Unit… this is unacceptable.

Let’s make another thing clear… there will be beer at this wedding reception.

(Crowd erupts in a several “hoorahs” and claps)

I will turn over this briefing to Lt. Samuel Adams who will provide the specifics of the operation that you will be embarking on. Lieutenant.

Thank you, sir.

As the captain mentioned a moment ago, this is a grave, but fixable “cask condition”.

This Black (Lager) Ops Unit will depart from Ramstein Air Base in appropriately two hours. This will allow you all enough time for a meal, a shower, and the packing of your gear. Don’t forget to have at least one more beer… this is almost zero hour.

At 0800 CET the unit will depart for France and then, disguised as (dog)fishermen, you will leave from Calais and descend on the coast of England, landing at Dover at 1000HRS. Don’t forget to make contact with our Central Intoxication Agency station chief at the Coast Guard station. There he’ll all treat you to a pint and brief you on our inside man at the wedding, code named “Prince Harry”.

Harry has your forged invitations at the ready and has also rented the tap for the kegs.

Yes, the kegs. You’ll notice from the earlier briefing that we’ve made a crucial change to our plans. The CIA had concerns about the size of the ground transportation operation so you will no longer be responsible for transporting the kegs from the coast.

Our contact in the RAF, that’s the Royal Alcohol Force, has provided a cargo plane that will air drop 32 kegs for you to move on site. Paint the drop site and be in place by 1200HRS.

We’ll meet the kegs at the “DZ” and proceed to transport them undercover to “ground zero,” the wedding reception. Each keg is cleverly labeled “fish” or “chips” as to avoid detection before entering the reception.

Once inside you’ll change into your serving attire to blend into the crowd. Don’t forget to practice your outrageous English accents en route. We’ve provide several “Monty Python” CDs for you to listen to for assistance.

“Prince Harry” will guide you to your set up location where you will tap the kegs. Remember, and this is an important component to the mission, that you are to destroy any and all wine and champagne on the premises. It’s not that we don’t approve, but to leave the FBM mark we’ve got to make beer the only game in town.

This beer is paramount to the success of the royal nuptials. There was no beer at Diana and Charles wedding and look how that turned out. Wedding beer is like the Communists in Asia. Dominoes! Everything falls apart. You don’t have beer at the wedding.. you don’t have a kick ass party… you don’t have a beautiful marriage.

That is all, soldiers. I’ll return the briefing back over to Captain Morgan and he’ll give you final instructions.

Thank you, Lt. Adams.

Ladies and gentlemen I cannot stress enough the importance of a successful mission tomorrow. With the U.S. government in tough economic times and budget cuts looming in all parts of the Defense Department every unit is under scrutiny; even one as interpretative to national security as ours. We must avoid any further accidents like what happened Munich last October. We’re just following orders, but trying to insert beer into Oktoberfest was a disaster. Damn bureaucrats don’t know their lagers from their ales!

Enough, anyways. I wish you all the best. I’ll leave you with one final thing to inspire you on your mission.

The part of the news story about beer being inappropriate in the queen’s presence? That’s complete rubbish. We’ve got a good authority that once the beer is there, she’s got first dibs on a keg stand.

Move out, soldiers!

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